Main Character Syndrome

He showed up at my door with a six-pack he already drank half of

Said “ I brought you flowers” — it was a single wilted rose from a gas station

Then he walked in without taking his shoes off

On my white rug

I said “ hey, can you—”

He said “ relax, it’s just dirt”

He asked for a tour of my apartment

Opened every drawer including my nightstand

Found my melatonin gummies and said “ oh you party?”

No, Kevin, I have insomnia

Then he laid on my bed in his outside jeans

And started scrolling TikTok on full volume

So I poured him a glass of tap water

Told him I had a “ work emergency”

He said “ I’ll wait” — no you won’t

I opened the front door and smiled

He didn’t get it

I said “ well it’s getting late”

He said “ okay but can I use your shower first?”

Lol!

He used my expensive shampoo — half the bottle

Left his beard trimmings in my sink

Then asked if I had any “ snacks for the road”

I handed him a single saltine cracker

He said “ that’s it?”

I said “ that’s the VIP treatment”

Before he left he tried to “ borrow” twenty dollars

For gas — he lives three blocks away

I laughed in his face and closed the door

He texted me “ wow you’re so selfish”

I texted back a screenshot of his Venmo request from last week

For a taco he bought me

That I didn’t even eat

So I poured him a glass of tap water

Told him I had a “ work emergency”

He said “ I’ll wait” — no you won’t

I opened the front door and smiled

He didn’t get it

I said “ well it’s getting late”

He said “ okay but can I use your shower first?”

Lol!

Three days later he sent me a voice memo

Said “ I think we had a real connection”

Buddy, the only connection you had

Was to my Wi-Fi

And I changed the password

He asked if we could still be friends

I asked if he still had my Tupperware

He said “ what Tupperware”

Exactly

Lol!