Please Just Go Home

People who don’t know how to read a room

And stay way too late even when I yawn three times in a row

I said “ well it’s getting dark out”

She said “ oh I love the night”

Like please just go home

It’s so awkward

She brought her own Tupperware to my dinner party

And packed up my leftovers before anyone finished eating

I caught her scraping my cast iron skillet with a metal fork

Me and my husband were like…

Not in this economy, baby

Not with the price of eggs and Rao’s sauce

You threw chicken bones on my floor for my cat

And blamed my dog for the pee — my dog was with me

In an entirely different room

Found my good olive oil in her reusable bag

And three cans of my sparkling water in her coat pockets

I said “ are you serious?”

She said “ you weren’t drinking it fast enough”

Not in this economy, baby

Sat on my couch with her shoes on — feet tucked up under her

Left a mark on the cushion

Then asked to “ borrow” my phone charger permanently

This was a grown woman in her 40 s

She texted me the next day: “ hey did I leave my socks there?”

I looked under the couch

Found a single sock, a granola bar wrapper, and my good kitchen scissors

Lol!